PottyRadar™ — Find the one. (The toilet. Also maybe a person.)

PottyRadar Live™

Every unit. Rated. Respected.

Our community of certified reviewers evaluates each unit across 14 proprietary dimensions, including structural confidence, paper posture, and nose. Reviews are written to a standard. The standard is sommelier.

PottyRadar™SCANNING

All units4★ & upServicedNear Dudes

MAIN STAGE

CAMPING W

FOOD

rating feed: a licensed sensing product

The app, as it actually is

This is a live demonstration, not a screenshot. Tap the pins. Every unit answers, and so do the partners — the enclosure, the recovery staging, the commissary, the stand, and Mervin, who asked to be placed near the parking meadow and paid in eggs. One pin is not ours — we are told not to remove it, and honestly, the invoice was already paid.

Live ratings — refreshed every 90 seconds by infrastructure we license and do not discuss.
Line Velocity™ — we forecast queues the way meteorologists forecast weather, with more at stake.
Distance-to-relief — displayed in feet, because in the moment, nobody thinks in miles.
Matches tab — one (1), as required by the term sheet. It has a red dot. The red dot was also required.

Unit #4471 photographed with the reverence it has earned

Unit #4471 — “The Cathedral”

★★★★★

“Structured and assertive on the nose, with notes of hand sanitizer and distant pine. A generous pour of blue liquid. The finish is long, forgiving, and well-ventilated.”

● Recently Serviced

NE Quadrant · 40 ft from main stage sightline · Door latch: decisive

Unit #2280 with its devoted line, while newer units stand open and ignored

Unit #2280 — “Old Faithful”

★★★★★

“Reliable mid-palate. Paper was stocked at 9:40 AM, which reviewers described as ‘a miracle.’ A slight structural lean that adds character rather than fear.”

Camping West · Shade-adjacent · Lean: 4° (stable) · The line waits for it specifically

Unit #0193

★★★★★

“Aggressive on the nose. The door latch has opinions. Pairs well with holding it. We do not assign names to units we cannot recommend.”

SE Quadrant · Downwind of everything · Status: monitored · Photographed from the approved distance

Premium Filters

PottyRadar Plus™ subscribers filter the grounds like professionals. Because relief is a logistics problem, and logistics rewards preparation.

Recently Serviced™ Shade-Adjacent 4★ & Above Only Low Line Velocity Within 100 ft of a Blowing Dudes stand Radiance Score™ compatible Near Recovery Staging (day 3 only) Mervin's-adjacent · cash ready Commissary Line Velocity

One filter has been struck through at the vendor's written request. The commissary's queue shall not be optimized, forecast, or velocitized. The filter remains visible so that you know what you are not being sold.

The official PottyRadar Festival Survival Kit™ (headlamp, wristband, 11 mystery items) is sold exclusively at Wang's Warehouse. We are told Derrick assembled several of them personally.

Our Story

We were a toilet company. We are still a toilet company.

A brief and complete history of PottyRadar, including the part our board asked us to be more positive about. (Note the website. We are being more positive about it.)

2016

Founded in a service truck

One man. One clipboard. Three hundred units across four county fairs. Dale knew where every toilet was, and people began to follow him.

2018

The app launches

PottyRadar debuts at #1 in Navigation (Toilets), a category we created and remain alone in. Early reviews call it “essential” and “weirdly moving.”

2019

One million users find relief

Zero find love. This was fine. Nobody was asking for that. We want to be very clear that nobody was asking for that.

2021

Series B.

Six weeks after the term sheet. Seating arrangement accurate.

2021 — six weeks later

“Toilets don't scale.”

Direct quote. The dating features were mandated in a term sheet. We have preserved the term sheet, the way you preserve evidence.

2024

The redesign

The growth team rebuilt the website in yellow. It is friendly now. It is very friendly. They were not permitted to touch the radar, and they never will be.

The growth team, pictured with the enthusiasm of people who won

Today

We remain, at heart, a toilet company

With a dating feature that is, our investors would like us to note, going great.

Dale Kowalczyk smiling the way a man smiles when asked to

“The dating thing is going great.”

Dale Kowalczyk — Founder & Chief Sanitation Officer

He did not elaborate. He was looking at the map.

The Dating Feature

Throne Match™ 💛

Our matching algorithm weighs shared interests, music taste, and — because our data team refused to remove it — sanitation alignment. Honestly? It works better than the other stuff.

My ideal first date is…

“Short, and near Unit #4471.”

✓ Wristband Verified

A green flag for me is…

“Someone who carries their own toilet paper. That's it. That's the whole list.”

✓ Wristband Verified

Brayden, 26 — 140 ft away

“Yo.”

✓ Wristband Verified

I'm looking for…

“A clean unit. And companionship, per our investors.”

✓ Wristband Verified

Trust & Safety

Wristband Verified™

Verification requires exactly one thing: a photograph of you holding an actual festival wristband. It is the strongest identity system ever deployed in dating. Fraud rate: zero. Nobody has ever wanted anything this badly.

The standard verified band, worn among its peers

Tier 1 — Standard

The Verified Band

Issued at any PottyRadar tent. The hexagon tag confirms you are physically at the festival, which is the entire premise, the whole system, and frankly all we ever needed.

Layering with wristbands from previous festivals is permitted and, our data suggests, attractive.

Tier ██ — Compliance

The Other Band

Some users arrive already wearing a band we did not issue. It is always slightly too clean. We cannot verify these users, because they arrive verified. We have submitted paperwork about this. The paperwork returns stamped “COMPLIANT.”

The band is not for sale. The band is not discussed. Wearers report excellent skin.

How verification is verified

Trust requires infrastructure. Ours is extensive, always on, and — per our licensing agreement — published here once per year, in a place users are unlikely to scroll to. You have scrolled here. Congratulations, and we're sorry.

A sensing mast at the festival perimeter — **Coverage**The grounds are monitored by equipment we license. Range: sufficient. Additional purposes: redacted for length.

A rating being reviewed around the clock — **Accuracy**Ratings are reviewed around the clock. The stars are not calculated. They are decided. The distinction is contractual.

The nightly unit check — **Care**Every unit is checked nightly. The technician is fine. The technician is always fine. Please stop asking about the technician.

Published in satisfaction of §14(b) of our licensing agreement. PottyRadar's star-rating data feed is a licensed sensing product; our partner does not comment on the equipment. This disclosure satisfies §14(b) in full. No further questions are contemplated by the agreement. The agreement contemplates a great deal.

Press

The critics agree. About the toilets.

Every publication that has reviewed PottyRadar has reached the same two conclusions, in the same order, at very different volumes.

Festival Tech Weekly

Best Infrastructure App — the trophy was provided by the sensing partner

“The most important navigation product of the decade. There is also a dating feature.”

Winner — Best Infrastructure App, three consecutive years. The trophy was provided by our sensing partner. We had a different trophy. It was replaced overnight.

The Relief Report

“★★★★★. PottyRadar saved my weekend three separate times. I did briefly match with a man named Brayden.”

Reader's Choice — “App We'd Defend Physically”

The Sanitation Docket

The defendant before the committee. The microphone was provided.

“The unit was granted counsel. The unit declined counsel. In forty years covering this beat, we have never seen a defendant so composed. The app that flagged it: ★★★★★.”

Hearing coverage continues, pp. 1–44. The latch is discussed on every page. The microphone was provided. It was not used.

Something Blue — A Bridal Magazine

Two festival queues forming a heart from above

“The most romantic aerial photograph submitted to us this year. We are told one line is for a toilet and one is for coffee. We have chosen not to be told.”

Featured — “Real Weddings We Assumed Were Weddings”

Modern Romance Quarterly

The photograph they were sent, which they ran without comment

“We are not entirely sure why we were sent this. The toilet map, however, is superb.”

Declined to review the dating feature a second time

Advertisement — placed under the terms of a partnership we do not regret

A Word From Our Lip Care Partner

Stay moist out there.

The partnership entitles Blowing Dudes to one section of this website per year. This arrived by mail, on film, with a note that said “run it as is, brother.” We ran it as is.

Cherry Mint Dude

The co-branded print piece: STAY MOIST. STAY NEARBY. — The co-branded piece. Our legal team asked what “stay nearby” means. Their legal team is one guy named Terry, and Terry said “it means what it means, brother.” The matter is considered closed.

The candy-stripe stand at a modern festival — **The Stand**Unchanged since '74. So is the offer: three flavors, no questions, all comers welcome. Find it on the map. It's the second most-used filter. We've stopped asking why.

The reapply moment, right out the door — **The Moment**Right out the door, into the sun, straight onto the lips. That's the routine, brother. Twice a day minimum. More if you're active. The dude does not judge how active.

Field-tested in festival wind — **The Conditions**Field-tested in wind, dust, and three-day weekends since before this app was born. Fifty years of keeping folks moist at festivals. It means lip balm. It has always meant lip balm.

“Fifty years of festivals, brother. The lips change. The wind doesn't.”

— The Dude, Founder · Bakersfield, California · Est. 1974

Stay Moist → blowingdudes.com

Keeps your lips ready.™ This section was reviewed by Terry. Terry approved it without reading it, which is how Terry approves things.

Official Partners

The Festival Alliance

Five partners. Five completely different understandings of what we do. All of them load-bearing. The growth team was not permitted to touch these either.

Official Lip Care Partner

Blowing Dudes

Three days in the sun. Your lips are gonna need a dude.

Find the candy-stripe stand at every partnered festival. All three flavors. The dude recommends staying moist in the heat, reapplying often, and hydrating — in whatever order feels right to you.

PottyRadar Plus™ members can filter for units within 100 feet of a Blowing Dudes stand. This is our second most-used filter. We have stopped asking why.

Est. 1974. It means lip balm. It has always meant lip balm.

Field Systems Partner

Ass Glow — glowingbunghole.ai

The device, held aloft between the unit rows. The group has never been lost.

DEVICE: GLOWINGBUNGHOLE.AI — FESTIVAL EDITION
CLASS: AI-POWERED WELLNESS · APP-PAIRED
RADIANCE SCORE™: SYNCED TO SANITATION ALIGNMENT
USE NEAR UNITS BELOW ★3.0: NOT CERTIFIED. DO NOT
MSRP: $389 · FINANCING: AVAILABLE

The flagship device, certified for festival conditions under our Surface Compatibility Matrix, as defined by us. Program LP-01 remains in development and is not discussed on this card, which mentions it.

PottyRadar's star-rating data feed is a licensed Ass Glow sensing product. We are not permitted to say more, which is more.

Official Post-Festival Recovery Partner

Mattress Store

Recovery operations, conducted with dignity

Your air mattress didn't make it. We know. Bring what's left to any Mattress Store location and receive token trade-in value toward something with a Sleep History Report.

SLEEP HISTORY REPORT — Unit recovered, Campground West
Duration: 3 days · Occupants: uncounted · Incidents: 1 (unexplained) · Structural integrity: emotional
Status: Refurbished. Available now in Liquidation.

Count bedbugs, not sheep.™ Trade-ins become inventory. That's the program. We've been clear about the program.

Official Coffee Partner

THE LINE IS THE MEETING — posted beside the queue

Cafe Socialist

The Assembly of Nineteen voted 18–1 to accept this partnership. The one was Chairman Chip. He has since complied, attended, and been photographed enjoying himself, which he denies.

Field Commissary No. 1 operates beside the East queue. One drink. One price. Every cup says COMRADE. No cup says your name. Your name is not the point.

It is the only vendor on the grounds to have formally requested a longer line.

The commissary has declined its star rating in perpetuity. A rating is a wall between comrades.

Official Travel Partner

Amish Airways

Boarding at Bird-in-Hand. On time, Lord willing.

Amish Airways is proud to be the official travel partner of PottyRadar, an application for telephones that locates outhouses which are already visible.

“I am told the English require a map to find what is directly before them. We will fly them to it. The Lord does not rank toilets, but I understand there are stars involved.”— Bishop Eli Stoltzfus · Unlike Spirit, we answer letters

Service to all partnered festivals via Bird-in-Hand, Intercourse, and Blue Ball departure terminals.

Tracking your flight is a form of impatience. Tracking a toilet is, apparently, an industry.

Official Field Systems Partner

glowingbunghole.ai Festival Edition

Our sensing partner's flagship device is now certified for festival conditions. Darkness, they note, is the festival's oldest problem. They have solved darkness. They would like to be clear that this is all they are claiming to have solved.

Festival Edition · Certified The glowingbunghole.ai device, festival edition, active, visible from the main stage

glowingbunghole.ai is an AI-powered personal wellness device with a three-day battery, app connectivity, and visibility rated to main-stage distances. Owners report never losing their group again. Their group reports the same, in a different tone. The device pairs with PottyRadar: your Radiance Score™ now syncs directly into sanitation alignment, which our data team confirmed improves match quality and declined to explain further.

3Days · One Festival

$389MSRP · Displayed Proudly

█████Lumens · Redacted

DEVICE: GLOWINGBUNGHOLE.AI — FESTIVAL EDITION
CLASS: AI-POWERED WELLNESS · APP-PAIRED
RADIANCE SCORE™: SYNCS WITH SANITATION ALIGNMENT
VISIBILITY: MAIN-STAGE DISTANCES — CERTIFIED
BATTERY: THREE DAYS. ONE FESTIVAL. NO QUESTIONS.
USE NEAR UNITS BELOW ★3.0: NOT CERTIFIED. DO NOT.
MSRP: $389

The AI learns your routine. The AI does not judge your routine. The AI has, however, been asked to stop describing the routine in the app's weekly summary.

The device is sold at the main enclosure, behind glass, beside a guard. The price is displayed. It is $389. The guard will accept questions about financing, and only about financing.

A second enclosure appeared on the second night. Its contents are not the device. They are not for sale. They are not on the site map, which now routes around them. Program LP-01 — Lumière Posterior — remains in development at the Advanced Projects Division and did not attend. Viewing of the thing that did not attend is permitted, briefly, from a distance the reassigned guard will indicate.

The second enclosure. Contents: in development. Attendance: denied.

Enter the Glow — assglow.com

The site senses your arrival. This is a feature.

glowingbunghole.ai is a product of our Field Systems Partner. Radiance Score™ integration flows through the rating infrastructure disclosed under Trust & Safety, above. The partner does not comment on the equipment. The partner has never commented on the equipment.

Correspondence

A Letter From Our Travel Partner

Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania
Typed on the office machine, third week of August

To the English of PottyRadar,

We are told the partnership requires each partner to place something upon your website. The lip balm men sent an advertisement. The glowing company sent documents with much of the ink removed. We will send a letter, because a letter is sufficient, and sufficiency is the point.

We fly your people to the festivals. They arrive loud and leave quiet. Both conditions appear to serve them. We do not ask what happens in between, and your application seems to answer questions we would not think to ask.

You have built a machine that finds outhouses. We have examined it. It works. We would note that we possessed a map of every outhouse in Lancaster County before your founder was born. It is a drawer. The drawer has never required charging. Still, your radar is honest work, and honest work is rare in a telephone.

Regarding the photograph you have requested of the handshake: it will arrive when the light is right. The light has not been right. We are not concerned, and neither should you be.

The flights will continue. On time, Lord willing.

Bishop EliBishop Eli, Amish Airways
Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania
(Typed by Mervin. The Bishop dictates. The machine is older than both of them.)

Festivalgoers arriving on the grass airstrip — Enclosure the first: your people, arriving. The photograph was made by an English hire. We do not operate the camera.

Ground service across the parking meadow — Enclosure the second: ground service across the parking meadow. The horse is named Solomon. He has never required a software update.

Book Passage — amishairways.net

The website is maintained by Mervin. The Bishop has approved its existence, seasonally.
Unlike Spirit, we will be there.

Filed by our Recovery Partner

The Recovery Report

Mattress Store requested their section after the festival, not before. Recovery, they told us, cannot be scheduled. It can only be answered. The following was filed at 0600, in triplicate, slightly damp.

1,204Units recovered

$4Avg. trade-in value

1Incident (unexplained)

100%Given a second chance

The recovery convoy at dawn — **0600 — arrival.** The convoy comes before the survivors wake. This is intentional. Goodbyes complicate recovery.

The trade-in exchange at the festival exit — **The exchange.** You bring what's left. We tell you what it's worth. What it's worth is on the card.

A four dollar trade-in voucher in a muddy hand — **The card.** $4. We were asked to justify the figure. The figure is the justification.

A Sleep History Report being completed in the field — **The paperwork.** Every recovered unit receives a Sleep History Report, completed on site, in the mud, with dignity.

A single air mattress ringed by abandoned shoes — **Exhibit A — uncounted occupants.**The shoes were arranged like this when we arrived. We counted the shoes. We did not count the occupants. Some data is not ours to collect. The mattress was recovered, thanked, and processed.

Sleep History Report — Recovered Unit, Campground West

Duration of service: 3 days
Occupants: Uncounted
Incidents: 1 (unexplained)
Structural integrity: Emotional
Odor profile: “Festival”
Status: Refurbished — available now in Liquidation

Count bedbugs, not sheep.™ Report filed in triplicate. The third copy is for the mattress.

All recovered units are refurbished and offered a second life in Liquidation. Trade-ins become inventory. That's the program. We've been clear about the program.

Mattress Store — Rest, Redefined. Again.

Your recovered mattress may already be there. It would want you to visit.

Resolution No. 47

A Resolution From Our Coffee Partner

The other partners sent advertisements, disclosures, letters, and reports. Cafe Socialist convened a vote. The following passed the Assembly of Nineteen and is reproduced in full, as required by clause six of the resolution itself. There is no clause six. It passed anyway.

Field Commissary No. 1 at golden hour, queue in full assembly — Field Commissary No. 1, golden hour. The sign painter ran out of stencil before the final letter. The Assembly voted 19–0 to keep it. It is the only unanimous vote in Assembly history.

Resolution No. 47 — On the Festival, the Application, and the Queue

WHEREAS the five-star rating of sanitation units erects hierarchy among that which serves all equally;

WHEREAS the feature known as “Line Velocity™” wages open war upon the queue, and the queue is the last honest assembly of the people;

WHEREAS the allocation of companionship by algorithm, weighted sixty percent by proximity to toilets, is either the death of romance or its most honest formulation, and the Assembly could not reach agreement on which;

WHEREAS the festival is a spectacle of consumption that must be denounced, and attended, in that order;

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED:

The partnership is accepted. The people require coffee.
Field Commissary No. 1 shall operate beside the East queue. One drink. One price. The cup shall say COMRADE. The cup shall not say your name.
The commissary declines its star rating, in perpetuity. This has been communicated to the sensing partner. The sensing partner replied with a form.
The queue at the commissary shall not be optimized, forecast, or velocitized. The line is not a cost. The line is the meeting.
Chairman Chip shall attend in an observational capacity. Expenses: approved. Enthusiasm: noted. Sunburn: his own.

Adopted, 18–1. The one has been spoken with.

Assembly of Nineteen

The cup, stenciled COMRADE — The cup. It does not say your name. It says what you are to the person beside you in the line.

The RATING: DECLINED plaque beneath a sensor — The plaque, and the sensor that points at it anyway. The standoff is now in its second season. Neither party has blinked. One party cannot.

Chairman Chip, observed among the people

“I denounced this festival in a prepared statement on Thursday. I attended Friday through Sunday. These positions are compatible; observation is a revolutionary duty. The lip balm gentleman is a class ally and his product is correct. I did not enjoy the music. I was seen enjoying the music. Both reports will be entered into the record.”

— Chairman Chip Whitfield IV, observed at the front of no lines. He denies dancing. The photograph has been entered into the record.

Join the Line → cafesocialist.com

Visiting the website is voluntary. Attendance is noted.

Field Archive

From the grounds

Selected documentation from festival operations, partnership history, and one ongoing matter we are legally required to describe as “monitored.”

Route 9, eastbound — BRAYDEN IS ALSO NEARBY — Route 9, eastbound — the unofficial mascot
Brayden, 26. He matched once, near Unit #4471, and said “Yo.” He signed the likeness release without reading it. The growth team put him on a billboard. We never made it official. He never asked. He is simply, permanently, nearby.

Partnership announcement with Blowing Dudes — **Partnership № 1 — Blowing Dudes**The only partnership decision we made ourselves. Both parties described it as “easy.”

Partnership announcement with Ass Glow — **Partnership № 2 — Ass Glow**Their representative requested the backdrop, the lighting, and the removal of this caption.

photo pending — film being developed in Lancaster County

Partnership № 3 — Amish AirwaysBishop Eli does not object to photographs. The photographer was simply asked to wait for better light. It has been four months.