PottyRadar™ — Find the one. (The toilet. Also maybe a person.)

PottyRadar Live™

Every unit. Rated. Respected.

Our community of certified reviewers evaluates each unit across 14 proprietary dimensions, including structural confidence, paper posture, and nose. Reviews are written to a standard. The standard is sommelier.

PottyRadar™SCANNING

All units4★ & upServicedNear Dudes

MAIN STAGE

CAMPING W

FOOD

rating feed: a licensed sensing product

The app, as it actually is

This is a live demonstration, not a screenshot. Tap the pins. Every unit answers. One pin is not ours — we are told not to remove it, and honestly, the invoice was already paid.

Live ratings — refreshed every 90 seconds by infrastructure we license and do not discuss.
Line Velocity™ — we forecast queues the way meteorologists forecast weather, with more at stake.
Distance-to-relief — displayed in feet, because in the moment, nobody thinks in miles.
Matches tab — one (1), as required by the term sheet. It has a red dot. The red dot was also required.

Unit #4471 photographed with the reverence it has earned

Unit #4471 — “The Cathedral”

★★★★★

“Structured and assertive on the nose, with notes of hand sanitizer and distant pine. A generous pour of blue liquid. The finish is long, forgiving, and well-ventilated.”

● Recently Serviced

NE Quadrant · 40 ft from main stage sightline · Door latch: decisive

Unit #2280 — “Old Faithful”

★★★★★

“Reliable mid-palate. Paper was stocked at 9:40 AM, which reviewers described as ‘a miracle.’ A slight structural lean that adds character rather than fear.”

Camping West · Shade-adjacent · Lean: 4° (stable)

Unit #0193

★★★★★

“Aggressive on the nose. The door latch has opinions. Pairs well with holding it. We do not assign names to units we cannot recommend.”

SE Quadrant · Downwind of everything · Status: monitored

Premium Filters

PottyRadar Plus™ subscribers filter the grounds like professionals. Because relief is a logistics problem, and logistics rewards preparation.

Recently Serviced™ Shade-Adjacent 4★ & Above Only Low Line Velocity Within 100 ft of a Blowing Dudes stand

The official PottyRadar Festival Survival Kit™ (headlamp, wristband, 11 mystery items) is sold exclusively at Wang's Warehouse. We are told Derrick assembled several of them personally.

Our Story

We were a toilet company. We are still a toilet company.

A brief and complete history of PottyRadar, including the part our board asked us to be more positive about. (Note the website. We are being more positive about it.)

2016

Founded in a service truck

One man. One clipboard. Three hundred units across four county fairs. Dale knew where every toilet was, and people began to follow him.

2018

The app launches

PottyRadar debuts at #1 in Navigation (Toilets), a category we created and remain alone in. Early reviews call it “essential” and “weirdly moving.”

2019

One million users find relief

Zero find love. This was fine. Nobody was asking for that. We want to be very clear that nobody was asking for that.

2021

Series B.

Six weeks after the term sheet. Seating arrangement accurate.

2021 — six weeks later

“Toilets don't scale.”

Direct quote. The dating features were mandated in a term sheet. We have preserved the term sheet, the way you preserve evidence.

2024

The redesign

The growth team rebuilt the website in yellow. It is friendly now. It is very friendly. They were not permitted to touch the radar, and they never will be.

The growth team, pictured with the enthusiasm of people who won

Today

We remain, at heart, a toilet company

With a dating feature that is, our investors would like us to note, going great.

Dale Kowalczyk smiling the way a man smiles when asked to

“The dating thing is going great.”

Dale Kowalczyk — Founder & Chief Sanitation Officer

He did not elaborate. He was looking at the map.

The Dating Feature

Throne Match™ 💛

Our matching algorithm weighs shared interests, music taste, and — because our data team refused to remove it — sanitation alignment. Honestly? It works better than the other stuff.

My ideal first date is…

“Short, and near Unit #4471.”

✓ Wristband Verified

A green flag for me is…

“Someone who carries their own toilet paper. That's it. That's the whole list.”

✓ Wristband Verified

Brayden, 26 — 140 ft away

“Yo.”

✓ Wristband Verified

I'm looking for…

“A clean unit. And companionship, per our investors.”

✓ Wristband Verified

Trust & Safety

Wristband Verified™

Verification requires exactly one thing: a photograph of you holding an actual festival wristband. It is the strongest identity system ever deployed in dating. Fraud rate: zero. Nobody has ever wanted anything this badly.

The standard verified band, worn among its peers

Tier 1 — Standard

The Verified Band

Issued at any PottyRadar tent. The hexagon tag confirms you are physically at the festival, which is the entire premise, the whole system, and frankly all we ever needed.

Layering with wristbands from previous festivals is permitted and, our data suggests, attractive.

Tier ██ — Compliance

The Other Band

Some users arrive already wearing a band we did not issue. It is always slightly too clean. We cannot verify these users, because they arrive verified. We have submitted paperwork about this. The paperwork returns stamped “COMPLIANT.”

The band is not for sale. The band is not discussed. Wearers report excellent skin.

Press

The critics agree. About the toilets.

Every publication that has reviewed PottyRadar has reached the same two conclusions, in the same order, at very different volumes.

Festival Tech Weekly

“The most important navigation product of the decade. There is also a dating feature.”

Winner — Best Infrastructure App, three consecutive years

The Relief Report

“★★★★★. PottyRadar saved my weekend three separate times. I did briefly match with a man named Brayden.”

Reader's Choice — “App We'd Defend Physically”

Modern Romance Quarterly

“We are not entirely sure why we were sent this. The toilet map, however, is superb.”

Declined to review the dating feature a second time

Advertisement — placed under the terms of a partnership we do not regret

A Word From Our Lip Care Partner

Stay moist out there.

The partnership entitles Blowing Dudes to one section of this website per year. This arrived by mail, on film, with a note that said “run it as is, brother.” We ran it as is.

The co-branded print piece: STAY MOIST. STAY NEARBY. — The co-branded piece. Our legal team asked what “stay nearby” means. Their legal team is one guy named Terry, and Terry said “it means what it means, brother.” The matter is considered closed.

The candy-stripe stand at a modern festival — **The Stand**Unchanged since '74. So is the offer: three flavors, no questions, all comers welcome. Find it on the map. It's the second most-used filter. We've stopped asking why.

The reapply moment, right out the door — **The Moment**Right out the door, into the sun, straight onto the lips. That's the routine, brother. Twice a day minimum. More if you're active. The dude does not judge how active.

Field-tested in festival wind — **The Conditions**Field-tested in wind, dust, and three-day weekends since before this app was born. Fifty years of keeping folks moist at festivals. It means lip balm. It has always meant lip balm.

Official Partners

The Festival Alliance

Four partners. Four completely different understandings of what we do. All of them load-bearing. The growth team was not permitted to touch these either.

Official Lip Care Partner

Blowing Dudes

Three days in the sun. Your lips are gonna need a dude.

Find the candy-stripe stand at every partnered festival. All three flavors. The dude recommends staying moist in the heat, reapplying often, and hydrating — in whatever order feels right to you.

PottyRadar Plus™ members can filter for units within 100 feet of a Blowing Dudes stand. This is our second most-used filter. We have stopped asking why.

Est. 1974. It means lip balm. It has always meant lip balm.

Field Systems Partner

Ass Glow — LP-01 Field Deployment Protocol

Sensing equipment. Do not adjust. Do not acknowledge.

UNIT: LP-01 (BLACK PROGRAM)
ENVIRONMENT: AUSTERE SANITATION — CERTIFIED
EXPOSURE TOLERANCE: REDACTED hrs continuous
COMPATIBILITY: FESTIVAL UNITS ★4.0+ ONLY
UNITS BELOW ★3.0: NOT CERTIFIED. DO NOT
SELF-GRADED FIELD EFFICACY: 97.4%

LP-01 is certified for continuous wear in austere sanitation environments, as defined by our Surface Compatibility Matrix, as defined by us.

PottyRadar's star-rating data feed is a licensed Ass Glow sensing product. We are not permitted to say more, which is more.

Official Post-Festival Recovery Partner

Mattress Store

Recovery operations, conducted with dignity

Your air mattress didn't make it. We know. Bring what's left to any Mattress Store location and receive token trade-in value toward something with a Sleep History Report.

SLEEP HISTORY REPORT — Unit recovered, Campground West
Duration: 3 days · Occupants: uncounted · Incidents: 1 (unexplained) · Structural integrity: emotional
Status: Refurbished. Available now in Liquidation.

Count bedbugs, not sheep.™ Trade-ins become inventory. That's the program. We've been clear about the program.

Official Travel Partner

Amish Airways

Boarding at Bird-in-Hand. On time, Lord willing.

Amish Airways is proud to be the official travel partner of PottyRadar, an application for telephones that locates outhouses which are already visible.

“I am told the English require a map to find what is directly before them. We will fly them to it. The Lord does not rank toilets, but I understand there are stars involved.” — Bishop Eli

Service to all partnered festivals via Bird-in-Hand, Intercourse, and Blue Ball departure terminals.

Tracking your flight is a form of impatience. Tracking a toilet is, apparently, an industry.

Appendix C

The Sensing Disclosure

Under §14(b) of our licensing agreement, PottyRadar is required to publish the following documentation of the rating infrastructure once per year, in a location users are unlikely to scroll to. You have scrolled here. Congratulations, and we're sorry.

A sensing mast at the festival perimeter — **FIG. 1** — Sensing mast, Sector 4 perimeter. Range: sufficient. Purpose: as licensed. Additional purposes: redacted for length.

A rating being assigned in the control room — **FIG. 2** — A rating being assigned. The stars are not calculated. They are decided. The distinction is contractual.

**FIG. 3** — Night certification sweep, festival grounds. The technician is fine. The technician is always fine. Please stop asking about the technician.

A quality audit conducted by product light — **FIG. 4** — Quarterly audit. The product is graded by the light it produces. The staff are graded the same way. Everyone passed.

A clerk redacting documents — **FIG. 5** — Dispute processing. Your rating appeal is handled here, personally, by hand. It has already been denied. It was denied before you filed it.

A steel door marked LOT 7 — **FIG. 6** — ██████████ ███████. ████████ ██ ██████. Running.

This disclosure satisfies §14(b) in full. No further questions are contemplated by the agreement. The agreement contemplates a great deal. // PottyRadar's star-rating data feed is a licensed Ass Glow sensing product. Ass Glow does not comment on the equipment.

Correspondence

A Letter From Our Travel Partner

To the English of PottyRadar,

We are told the partnership requires each partner to place something upon your website. The lip balm men sent an advertisement. The glowing company sent documents with much of the ink removed. We will send a letter, because a letter is sufficient, and sufficiency is the point.

We fly your people to the festivals. They arrive loud and leave quiet. Both conditions appear to serve them. We do not ask what happens in between, and your application seems to answer questions we would not think to ask.

You have built a machine that finds outhouses. We have examined it. It works. We would note that we possessed a map of every outhouse in Lancaster County before your founder was born. It is a drawer. The drawer has never required charging. Still, your radar is honest work, and honest work is rare in a telephone.

Regarding the photograph you have requested of the handshake: it will arrive when the light is right. The light has not been right. We are not concerned, and neither should you be.

The flights will continue. On time, Lord willing.

— Bishop Eli, Amish Airways
Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania

Festivalgoers arriving on the grass airstrip — Enclosure the first: your people, arriving. The photograph was made by an English hire. We do not operate the camera.

Ground service across the parking meadow — Enclosure the second: ground service across the parking meadow. The horse is named Solomon. He has never required a software update.

Field Archive

From the grounds

Selected documentation from festival operations, partnership history, and one ongoing matter we are legally required to describe as “monitored.”

A certified reviewer at work — **Certification, in practice**Reviewer #12 evaluating structure and nose. The apron is mandatory. The dignity is voluntary.

The certification exam — **The annual exam**Grading is blind. The liquid is not consumed. It has never been consumed. Stop asking.

FIND THE ONE billboard — **Route 9, westbound**The growth team's proudest purchase. Dale drives a different road now.

Brayden is also nearby billboard — **Route 9, eastbound**Brayden signed the likeness release without reading it. He remains nearby.

Mattress Store recovery billboard — **Route 9, exit 14**Our recovery partner purchased the third billboard. The highway is now a narrative.

Partnership announcement with Blowing Dudes — **Partnership № 1 — Blowing Dudes**The only partnership decision we made ourselves. Both parties described it as “easy.”

Partnership announcement with Ass Glow — **Partnership № 2 — Ass Glow**Their representative requested the backdrop, the lighting, and the removal of this caption.

photo pending — film being developed in Lancaster County

Partnership № 3 — Amish AirwaysBishop Eli does not object to photographs. The photographer was simply asked to wait for better light. It has been four months.